Spring Sunlight
by Laura of Maychoria
Summary: Tetsu had thought that his first day back at school after his long sickness and his adoption into the Kagami family would be hard, but he hadn't realized it would be this hard. Come Morning Light tag, right after the main story


AN: This past week was the busiest and most stressful week of the year at my job, so I distracted myself from my current angst and fluff with...other angst and fluff. Also, at least one reviewer asked for a story about Tetsu's first day back at school, so here it is. More At the End of the Tunnel is in the works.

* * *

Tetsu stopped at the entrance of the school. It wasn't like he'd made a decision to do it. His feet just suddenly...stopped moving. He stood there, frozen, feeling the strap of his bag begin to slide down his arm. It had only been a week. Hadn't it? Just a week. But so much had changed.

His heart was starting to beat erratically, thumping against his rib cage. He wanted to raise a hand and press it over his heart to calm it, but he still couldn't move. His face felt cold and his hands felt hot. It felt like those moments right before he passed out from overexertion during practice.

"Tetsu-chan?"

Taiga had kept walking, of course, moving toward the school. There was no need for him to feel freaked out by this place, both familiar and beloved. Now he was coming back, his face concerned and his movements slow, almost gentle. As if he could see the fragility in Tetsu's face, how near he was to breaking.

For no reason. No reason at all. What was wrong with him? Tetsu blinked at his brother, feeling completely incapable of any other response. His thumping heart was starting to rise in his throat, choking him. He was close to panicking, and he didn't want to, he didn't, he... This was so _stupid,_ why was he like this, why was his body and mind reacting like this, it didn't make sense, it hurt, and Tetsu felt so _stupid_ and _weak_ and _useless._ What was wrong with him?

"Taiga-nii..." His voice was weak and wavering, too. He hated the way it sounded. Why was he being such a wimp? Now he was starting to get angry at himself, too.

"Tetsu-chan." Taiga's hands landed on his shoulders, soft and heavy.

Tetsu flinched. He flinched badly. He hated it. He felt even more weak, more useless. Then sadness crossed Taiga's face, and Tetsu's anger grew, too. At himself, for being like this. At Taiga, for being so kind. At his school, for not being an easy place for him to go, like he had thought it would be.

He had thought it would be good to go back to school. He had thought he would be happy to recapture some sense of normality, for a return to the way things used to be, but better now because he had a nii-san to share his school day with. It didn't make any sense. Why was he freaking out now? His dad had never even been to this place, except for way back in the beginning, so there was no reason for Tetsu to associate bad memories here, no reason for him to have a panic attack.

And yet he was. He could feel it coming, the panic, and he desperately wanted to put an end to it before it began. Instead of helping, his desperate need only seemed to fuel the terror and loss of control he felt rising within him.

"Tetsu-chan, let's sit down. Over here. There's a tree. It's really nice."

Taiga's voice was calm and soothing. Tetsu heard him as if he was speaking from far, far away, or as if Tetsu was underwater and Taiga was trying to communicate with him from above the surface. There was something in the way, some barrier that made everything difficult. But Tetsu let Taiga lead him over to the cherry tree in middle of the lawn and set him down beneath spreading branches that were just beginning to bud.

The cherry blossoms were going to start blooming soon. The thought brought Tetsu little joy. This was supposed to be a time of hope, of new beginning, but he felt only sickness in his belly and his head. He wanted to crawl into a corner and curl up into a ball and just...just hide from the world.

Taiga sat next to him. He rubbed Tetsu's back in big, slow circles. Tetsu bent over with his head between his raised knees, trying to breathe. It was a recovery position, but Tetsu didn't feel recovered. His heart was still beating out of time, ratcheting against his rib cage. He felt like throwing up, but he didn't want to waste the delicious egg breakfast Taiga had made for him this morning to celebrate going back to school.

Celebrate. What a laugh.

"I'm sorry," Tetsu murmured. He swallowed hard against the nausea. "I don't know why..."

Taiga shrugged. His hand did not stop moving on Tetsu's back, warm and strong. "Who cares why? You're upset. That's enough. We'll deal with it, then go to class when you're ready. There's no rush."

"We'll be late."

"So what? We'll tell the teachers you had a little attack. They'll understand. Dad already had a long talk with the school about your situation and what was likely to happen when you came back. I told you there would be accommodations. You have nothing to worry about."

Tetsu breathed. He hadn't expected that at all. "Hiroshi-san...thought I would panic just at seeing the school gate?"

Taiga hummed. "Not exactly. He thought you would probably have problems at some point, that's all. Didn't know where or when. Dad's smart, but he can't see the future like your scissors friend."

Tetsu almost smiled, though nausea raged in his gut and he still felt dizzy and ready to keel over. "Akashi-kun can't see the future. Not like that."

"Whatever. You know what I mean. But you know what Dad said... Trauma, right? You've been traumatized. And that has weird effects, sometimes. He told me that I should...kind of...expect to be surprised? Something like that. I can't believe he didn't talk to you about it, too." His hand did not stop moving over Tetsu's back. His movements remained slow and deliberate, steady as waves on a beach. Tetsu found himself relaxing, his breath and his heartbeat responding to the rhythm.

Tetsu shivered. Now that he was coming back to himself, his mind was starting to clear. Yes, Hiroshi-san had warned him about something like this. What was it he'd said?

 _Your body and your mind learned a lot of ways to help you cope with what you were going through, Tetsu-chan. You've told me about some of them, like how you began to hesitate before opening doors, how you came to like it when the house was quiet in the morning. I'm sure there are many, many more that you haven't realized yet. Probably some of those were at school, too. You spent a lot of time and energy hiding very important aspects of yourself from your classmates, your friends, and your teachers, because you didn't want anyone to know what you were suffering, or that you were suffering at all. Suddenly understanding that you are completely exposed now, to the very same people you tried to hide from... It might be hard for you._

Yes, that was how he felt. Tetsu felt exposed. Before he'd stepped foot onto the grounds of Seirin, he'd had a feeling like a tiny prey animal about to venture into an open meadow. It was dangerous, so dangerous. There could be foxes and hawks and all kinds of creatures just waiting out there to gobble him up, and he had no protection anymore. None at all. He had shed it all when he had asked for this new name, when he had begged Hiroshi-san to take him as Kagami, no longer Kuroko.

"I changed my mind," Tetsu muttered. "I don't want to go to school."

Taiga chuckled, warm and low. "I know it's tough," he said. "But you're gonna be okay. You just need to believe it."

This seemed...too easy to Tetsu. Surely he was going to need a lot more than just belief in himself to get through what suddenly appeared to be an insurmountable obstacle. His reaction to seeing the school had been so extreme and so horrible that Taiga's words sounded like an empty platitude. No, Tetsu wasn't going to be okay. This was too much. He couldn't do it.

Taiga's hand on his back began to feel irritating instead of comforting. Tetsu felt claustrophobic, closed in. Taiga's hand was too heavy and warm, his body too close to Tetsu on the grass. What, was Tetsu a little kid who needed to be coddled through every moment of every day? It was just... He'd just had a little panic attack, that was all. It was already fading. He didn't need to be babied.

"Right, Tetsu-chan?" And why was Taiga's voice so stupidly cheerful? Wasn't he taking this seriously? Didn't understand how awful Tetsu felt, how out of control and terrified? "You'll be okay. Just give it another minute or two, and we'll go to class."

His hand shifted on Tetsu's back, moving up as if to grip Tetsu's shoulder, and Tetsu couldn't stand it anymore. "No. Stop that." He jerked away abruptly, his hand swiping up to slap Taiga's hand away. He barely glanced at Taiga's face, but it was long enough to see the hurt that flashed across his features. It made Tetsu feel even worse.

Tetsu surged to his feet, grabbing his bag with white knuckles when it finally slipped all the way off his arm. He began striding away across the grass, back toward the school gate. Out. The sidewalk. The street. He wanted out. His feet took him there, though already he could feel his breath turning ragged again and his heart speeding up, shaky and painful. Just because Taiga wasn't touching him anymore? Well, too bad. Tetsu had had enough.

There. He'd made it. He was out. He'd escaped from Seirin. Tetsu moved a few more paces down the sidewalk, his legs wavering beneath him. Then he had to stop, turn, and lean his back on the wall that surrounded the school. He tipped his head up, looking at the blue spring sky. He fought for breath.

He wanted to go home. He wanted Hiroshi-san. He wanted to sit in the living room and eat mochi, or lie on his bed and read a novel. He wanted to be left alone almost as badly as he wanted someone to hug him, right this moment. He wanted to go home.

No. Tears stung his eyes. He wanted to go _home._ He wanted his father, the one who used to love him, who would laugh and joke and give Tetsuya little presents from his business trips. He wanted the mother who filled the apartment with her gentle presence, the sweet flowery scent of her favorite perfume. He wanted the rooms where he had lived quietly and happily, only recently livened up by the addition of his precious puppy.

He and Father had lived there together for years together after Tetsu's mother died. True, Father had been gone a lot, but so had Tetsu. When they were both home, it was almost always very, very good. Okay, so once in a great while Father had had a bad day and lost his temper and hurt Tetsu somehow. But he was always sorry, afterward. Always. He tried to make up for it. That had to be worth something, right? So it hadn't been a perfect life. But what life was?

And now that life was gone. It was gone irretrievably. Tetsu was never going to get it back, never. He had willingly thrown it away, taking a chance on something new. He had been desperate, true, but had he also been a fool? What if he'd made the wrong decision? What if...

Tetsu's hands were shaking now. He slid down against the wall, his head bowing into his chest. He raised his hands to shield his eyes on both sides, walling the world away behind a barrier of fragile flesh. He had been an idiot to think that coming back to school would restore any semblance of normality to his life. Somehow, subconsciously, he had convinced himself that returning to Seirin would be a way to reclaim what had been good about his former life with his father. But that wasn't true at all.

It was gone. All, all gone. And it was _stupid,_ it was _stupid_ of Tetsu to only be realizing that now, at this very inopportune moment when he really should be going to class, not sitting against a gray stone wall having a private pity party. He had already missed morning basketball practice, and Taiga had skipped it too in order to stay with him. And now he was on the verge of making them miss class, too. It was stupid, and it was selfish, and it was weak, but Tetsu couldn't help it. He'd always been stupid and selfish and weak. A new life with a new family wasn't going to suddenly wipe all of that away.

"Tetsu-chan?" Taiga's voice was quiet and hesitant. He barely sounded like himself.

Tetsu didn't look up. Instead, he folded his hands inward, like closing a double door, and covered his face with his palms. "Leave me alone." His voice was muffled, and even he could hear it shaking.

"No. That doesn't seem like a good idea." Taiga's voice was sad and gentle. It was coming closer, too, but he kept a fair distance from where Tetsu sat against the wall. He didn't try to touch him again, and Tetsu didn't know if he was happy or sad about that.

"I don't deserve this," Tetsu said. "I don't deserve you being kind to me."

Taiga laughed, but this time it didn't sound low and confident. It was high-pitched, on the edge of hysteria. "What kind of crazy talk is that? Of course you deserve people being kind to you." His voice went lower again. "Besides, I wasn't doing a good job of it, was I? I messed up back there."

Tetsu shook his head, still buried in his hands. "No." His voice trembled even more. "I'm being stupid. And selfish. And weak. And stupid."

"You said 'stupid' twice." Taiga dared to move closer, though not so near that Tetsu felt crowded.

"That's because I'm twice as stupid as I am weak and selfish."

Taiga grunted. "I don't like hearing anyone say such mean things about my little brother."

"They're true, though."

"You'll forgive me if I disagree."

Tetsu huffed out a breath. It hit his palms, warmth blooming on his skin. He smelled lemon and peppermint, the strange but somehow pleasant combination of Hiroshi-san's toothpaste from America, which Tetsu had used not an hour ago.

It was funny. That last night, the last time Tetsu had stepped foot in his father's house, Taiga had asked him if he'd packed a toothbrush right before they left. What a strange, pragmatic little detail. Tetsu had indeed remembered his brush, but he'd forgotten to pack his toothpaste. In the turmoil afterward, he hadn't bothered to buy any yet. He just kept using whatever tube was closest to hand when he needed to clean his teeth. This morning, that had been Hiroshi-san's.

The scent was somehow calming. It let Tetsu get out of his head for a moment, let him remember a moment that was not quite so fraught with confusing emotions. Yes, his life had changed a lot in a very short time. There were a lot of new things to deal with, and he wasn't even close to finishing all the adjustments he needed to make. Sometimes the changes were strange, but that didn't mean they weren't pleasant. Like lemon and peppermint.

"You forgive me, right?"

Taiga's voice had come closer again. He was being cautious, too. Hesitant. Tetsu didn't like that he was the one who had done that, who had made his bold and brash big brother suddenly feel like he had to be distant and cautious. Tetsu didn't want to make Taiga change. He had just...needed some space.

It sounded like Taiga was crouching in front of him, now, craning his head down to peer into Tetsu's covered face. "Hey, Tetsu? You forgive me?"

Tetsu shuddered. "There's nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong. You were trying to comfort me. I'm the one who was stupid and mean."

"No..." Taiga's voice was still slow and careful, but he sounded thoughtful, too. It was strange to hear, coming from him. "No, that's not quite true. I think I made a mistake. And I truly am sorry."

Curiosity finally compelled Tetsu to open one hand, just a few centimeters, so he could peek at Taiga with one eye that was squinted almost shut. "What mistake do you think you made? You were trying to make me feel better."

Taiga grinned instinctively as soon as Tetsu's eye came into view, beaming like the sun above. Then he went sober again. He settled down, sitting cross-legged on the pavement in front of Tetsu. He left a pace or two between them, giving Tetsu the space he craved. "While we were talking yesterday, Aniki warned me, just like Dad did. He said I could be thoughtless sometimes, and I would have to be careful. And I forgot, of course, the very next day after he gave me such very good advice."

Tetsu just blinked at him, so Taiga offered another smile, small and self-deprecating, then shook his head. "I was being dismissive. I didn't mean to, but that's what happened. You were feeling frightened and confused, and I acted like it didn't matter. Like it would go away in a little bit, and we didn't have to work to make that happen. I didn't treat your feelings with the seriousness they deserved, and I'm sorry for that."

Tetsu considered this for a moment. He closed his hand back over his face and took a deep breath, then held it, his shoulders square and his spine straight. Then he lowered his hands and looked Taiga in the face again. "You are smarter than you give yourself credit for, Taiga-nii," he said. "You're right. That's exactly what happened. I didn't understand myself until you said it. I felt dismissed. I'm sorry I reacted so badly. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Taiga shook his head. Hope lit in his eyes, contrasting with the blue spring sky above. "You forgive me, then?"

"Of course. And you forgive me for pushing you away?"

"Naturally." Taiga grinned. "There, that's better. I'm glad we understand each other."

Tetsu relaxed, leaning against the wall behind him. He closed his eyes for a moment in relief, soaking it in. He and Taiga were still okay. Tetsu hadn't ruined anything. He hadn't wounded his new family the way he had his old one.

Taiga sucked at his teeth and looked over at the school gate for a moment, then turned back to Tetsu. "I guess we should talk about it."

"About what?"

"About why you got so upset. Instead of dismissing your feelings, we should figure them out and understand them. Once you understand yourself, everything will be easier to deal with."

"Oh." Tetsu looked down at his hands, fidgeting his lap. He felt suddenly exhausted. The prospect of sorting through this enormous mish-mash of fear and hurt and grief was discouraging to contemplate. It was all too much, too overwhelming.

He looked up at Taiga again. If nothing else, he could at least share this part. "I don't want to, not right now. It's...too big. Is it enough for me to tell you that I was scared? When I stepped onto the grounds of Seirin, I felt scared. And sad. And angry, too, mostly at myself for being scared and sad. And I realized that my old life is gone and it is never going to come back, and it made feel very, very bad inside, even though my new life is good, too. I just..."

He stopped, realizing that he had basically already done it. He'd sorted it out. Most of it, anyway. Once he had started talking, it was like he couldn't stop.

Huh. Maybe this was going to be easier than he'd thought it would be.

Taiga smiled, broad and bright. "Yeah, that's enough. That's plenty. If that's all you want to talk about right now, I get it." His voice went serious again. "It all makes sense, you know. Everything you just told me about. There's nothing wrong with you feeling those things. Any of them. So you're not stupid and selfish and weak, okay? You're just a person, that's all. You're Tetsu-chan."

Tetsu nodded. Taiga sounded so serious, so certain, that it was difficult not to believe him.

"Aniki told me about this, too. He said you were going to have problems with self-esteem. I didn't realize just how right he was, I guess. But I'll tell you now, anyway." Taiga pointed a finger at him, strong and true. His face was fierce, as concentrated and hard as it ever was when he faced a fearsome enemy on the basketball court. "You're not stupid. You're not weak. You're not a bad person. You're my little brother, and you're awesome. No one is allowed to say cruel things about my little brother. Not even you."

Tetsu stared at him for a moment, stunned and speechless. Then a breathless little laugh blew out of his mouth, carried away on the breeze. "But I _am_ your little brother."

Taiga nodded solemnly. "Exactly. You're not allowed to say mean things about yourself. Not ever."

Tetsu wrinkled up his nose. "What if I just think them? It's harder to stop myself from thinking."

Taiga looked pained at this, his forehead furrowing. "You're right. That's bad, too. I don't want you to think mean things about yourself, either. I want to just tell you you're not allowed to do that, but how would I even know?"

Tetsu raised his eyebrows. This was almost fascinating to watch. Taiga was trying. He was trying so _hard._

Taiga rubbed the back of his head. "If you don't say it aloud, none of us will know it's even happening, so we can tell you it's not true." He tilted his head to the side in contemplation. "Okay, a compromise. If you are thinking mean things about yourself, you should tell me or Dad or Kiyoshi-senpai or any of us, really. But you're not allowed to reinforce it to yourself. You're not allowed to say, 'I'm stupid and weak,' but you should definitely, definitely say, 'I'm thinking that I'm stupid and weak,' so we can make you stop."

Tetsu wanted to smile, but the lump in his throat made it too difficult. "Is this your first official order to me as my nii-san?"

Taiga nodded, slow and grave, like a king issuing a proclamation. "Definitely. It's gonna be pretty hard to enforce, though. So you need to be on board, too. You think it's a good idea, right?" Anxiety crept into his voice at the end, and Tetsu's heart seized in his chest.

Poor, sweet Taiga-nii. He really was trying very, very hard. It would be cruel of Tetsu not to acknowledge his efforts. He had to try to meet him partway.

So he nodded back. "Yes, I agree. This is a good order. I will do my best to follow it."

"All right, then." Taiga beamed. The spring sunlight glowed in his face.

Taiga climbed to his feet and reached down a hand. "C'mon, let's go in."

Tetsu sat still for a moment longer. He looked at Taiga's hand, then up into his face. Taiga stood still, waiting. His smile didn't waver. Tetsu knew that he was willing to stand there, patiently expecting Tetsu to accept his help, for a long, long time.

Tetsu drew a breath, shaky, deep. He breathed in the sunlight and breathed out lemon and peppermint. "Yes. Let's go in."

He reached up and took Taiga's hand, palm wrapping around palm. Taiga pulled him to his feet. Tetsu adjusted the bag on his shoulder. And they walked into Seirin.

It was not an easy first day. Despite the basketball team's happiness to welcome Tetsu back, there were plenty of other people in the school who were not so overjoyed. There were whispers behind hands, pointed looks, scandalized expressions. And yes, it was hard. Taiga couldn't glare everyone into submission, though he did his best.

Tetsu's feeling of being exposed and vulnerable never quite went away, not until he was finally in the gym at the end of the day for his first basketball practice since he'd gotten sick. But that part... Those few hours back with his team, playing the sport he loved, more than made up for the rest of the day. And tonight, Ogiwara was going to visit. Tetsu had been eagerly looking forward to it ever since they had finally, finally exchanged texts last night.

The first day of Tetsu's new life back at school was not easy. It was strange. It was hard. It was new. Panic rose in his throat at odd intervals, only beaten back with great effort. He felt nervous and on-edge around some of his male teachers, as he had feared might happen. He only ate lunch because Taiga made him, and most of the lectures passed cleanly over his head. He barely spoke, allowing Taiga to field those few classmates brave enough to approach them and ask about Tetsu's name change, about his long absence.

It was strange, and scary, and difficult. But Tetsu made it through. He knew that tomorrow would be easier, and the day after, and the day after that. He had his team, after all, and he had his basketball, both of which he thought had been lost to him.

And he had his big, brave, loudmouthed, kind, protective nii-san, and that was the best of all.


End file.
